Part 1

Godliness is next to cleanliness

My God, she said in astonishment
Thank you, I replied
Jesus Christ, she objected
I know, I replied
For I am all-knowing
Today, anyway

Tomorrow I’ll be Napoleon
In his fat-Elvis exile years
Eating Melba toast
And plotting revenge
Against the British
And the French
And the Canadians
Who keep me locked up
In this little room

I am not God

It is true
I write well
It is true
Women find me attractive
It is true
I’m charming
and sexually active

It is true
I am a genius

My intellect is vast
My talents impressive
My achievements astonishing

But do not say that I am God
I am not God
Do not pretend that I am God
I am not God

Do not think of me as God
Think of me as a god
The God of Modesty

Imaginary Friend

As a lonely child
I had an imaginary friend

We did everything together
We went swimming together
Had sleepovers together
Played games
And shared my deepest secrets

When the world was unfair
My imaginary friend
Was there to comfort and console
With a reassuring presence

Then, one day,
My imaginary friend
Told me to screw off
It was over

The world of make-believe
Offers no escape
From self-inflicted nightmares

Thinking of ewe

I’m looking over
a dog named Rover
For I miss my little lamb
Soft and silky and gentle

I’m looking over
a dog named Rover
My lamb’s been away
too long

I’m looking over
a dog named Rover
Even though
I know
It’s wrong

Small Favours

Whenever I’d feel the stress
And pressure
Of the world
Weighing on my shoulders,
His little hand
Would reach up to mine
And I’d forget every trouble

It’s playtime now? He’d ask,
Squealing with delight
When I nodded agreement

Then we’d play
In the park
On the swings
On the slide

Me go pee now, he’d suddenly say
And we’d retreat to the washroom
Like a big boy, he’d insist
As I lifted him up to the urinal

A moment later,
I’d tuck his “little pee-pee,”
Into his shorts
And lift him to the sink
Where he’d splash and giggle

After dinner, it was bath time,
With rubber ducks and Mister Bubble

Most days I’d just smile
As I watched him splash
And giggle and fidget
But there were times that I felt used
By that forty-year-old midget

Humpty dumptied

Humpty Lumpty
Sat in the hall
And Humpty dumptied
All over it all

All the king’s horses
And all the king’s men
Stayed as far away
As possible
From the stinking rotten egg

My Hero

In an office tower
You are my inspiration
In an open field
You are wings to give me flight
In a crowded elevator
You are the wind between my cheeks

Values

A crowd of people
carefully gathered ‘round
the lifeless body
of the pin-striped man

Everyone wanted to know
how he had died
Was it a heart attack?
Was it a stroke?
So many questions
as flashbulbs popped

A crowd of people
carefully stepped over
the lifeless body
of the homeless man

Nobody wanted to know
how he had died
The man was in the way
of pin-striped men
striding quickly
to the bank towers

Searching for answers

Once you realize
how important you are
You’ll understand why
everyone is watching you

It’s too late
to believe you own lies
that you’re insignificant

You don’t know why you’re important
only that you are

Perhaps you carry
the bloodline of Jesus Christ
in your veins?
But I’m only guessing

Beware the man with the knife
His answers
have sharp edges

Beautiful Lies

I love
Your beautiful lies
They hide
Selfish, nasty
Ugliness inside
You look so pretty
When you lie to me

We walk
Together
Through calming darkness
Lost in a fantasy
Protected from reality
The truth is out there
If we hide, it can’t find us

Clothing

Everywhere I look
people are wearing clothes
Is this some kind of fashion trend?
Or shyness about nudity?

I recently took to wearing clothes
just to fit in
I’m not sure about pants though
They make it awkward
to scratch your itchy butt hole
with your finger

Following behind

I’m tired
of contemplating my navel
It’s time
to contemplate my ass

My rectum speaks to me
in explosive pronouncements
regarding gas-causing beverages
recently consumed

My ass exhales a tell-tale scent
that reminds me
of what I had for dinner

My ass follows me everywhere
… and it’s very cheeky

King for a day

Outside, an angry mob threw rocks
Obscenities were screamed
Someone spat on the King’s statue

A knight surveyed the scene with alarm
Then turned to His Majesty
Sire, the knight warned
The peasants are revolting
I know, the King sighed
They never bathe and spit when they talk

I mean, the knight explained
They intend to overturn you
Fat chance, the King laughed
I weigh over 400 pounds

With that, the peasants poured into the castle
Each sampled an assortment
Of liquors, sweets and pastries
Then, noticing the King’s girth
They puked their peasant guts out
On the polished marble floor

Windermere Basin

Muddy water
Beckons me
To slide unseen
Into the cool, wet blackness

Whatever lies below the dark surface
Remains unseen

My bare feet sink
In the slimy muck and ooze
And sludge and oily grit
And broken glass
And leeches
And jagged rusty metal
And the bones
Of those who stayed too long
In this toxic, murky swamp

People annoy me

Every wonder why people do that?
It makes no sense at all
They’ll turn around and do that
Then they’ll do the other thing
And then they’ll do that again
It makes no sense at all
And you know they’ll do it again

Head games

In my head
women half my age adore me
In my head
these gorgeous godesses
are into sex games
with flabby middle-aged men

In my head
nubile sex kittens
eagerly run their silky hands
all over my enormous
yacht

In my head
they pant my praises
after I leave them exhausted
in a state of sexual bliss

I find there’s no need
to leave the house, anymore
I’d much rather stay home
in bed, in my head

The living hell that is PEI

On Prince Edward Island
The potatoes grow wild
In cracks in the sidewalk
And people’s noses

The potatoes exert
Control over the people
And have limited the population
To one hundreds and twenty six thousand and seven
No more, no less

One day, the spuds took over
Completely, without ever moving and inch
Charlottetown became the cradle
Of Spudfederation

All were ruled by an incredibly well-endowed spud
But behind his back
They all criticized him
Everyone hated
That big-dick tater

Cool, refreshing Jews

She looked at me
expectantly
What kind of Jews you like? she asked
Pardon? I stammered

What kind of Jews you like?
I’m not sure…
Come on, she implored
You like Jews? she asked
“Some kind of Jews? she added

I thought of men in dark beards
wearing dark clothing
Hasidic Jews, I guess, I replied

All Jews acidic, she said
shaking her head
Come on, she insisted
What kind of Jews you like?
You like grape Jews?
Orange Jews?
Apple Jews?

I smiled in relief
I now understood
Orange Jews, I replied
They look tanned

Problem Child

If you have a problem, with me
You will have to talk to my friend

In a conflict
I get upset

I get upset
He gets angry
You get hurt
That’s pretty much
The way it works

My friend simply doesn’t know
The meaning of the word ‘fear’
Or ‘nuclear’
Or ‘perpendicular’
Or ‘amortization’
Or ‘rectangular’
Or ‘fertilization’
Or ‘situation’
‘Integration’ ‘obfuscation’ ‘retardation’

There are many, many words
My friend doesn’t know

He’ll express himself
with fists of fury

I hope you don’t have a problem
With my simple, violent friend

Should I stay or should I go?

Insanity
Is a friend to me
An excuse
To act rude

Just a little drooling
And I get handicapped parking

I can scream
As loud as I want

Your generous donation will show
You really want
me to leave.

Moving

I’m moving
At the speed of life
I’m running
To the finish line
Of death

I’ve been running
For many long years
And I grow more tired
With every step

As I,
Bones aching
Short of breath,
Approach the end of life

And now, for the first time,
I can see the finish line
Off in the distance

A man in a dark hooded robe
Stands waiting
With a checkered flag

Mankind

I survey the scene before me
The enormous quarry
Is an open wound
Cut deep in the rock-bone
Of Mother Earth

Her once-leafy forests beyond
Are now fields of stumps
In a dead, frozen wasteland

We have raped her
For her minerals and lumber
Crushed her forest lungs
Scattered her broken limbs
And left her for dead

Yet beyond this lifeless land
Are more forests
And the angry whine of a chainsaw
Snarls a promise
Of more carnage to come
The leaves are falling
The forest is falling
Watch it fall
And die

Best Wishes

I just want you to know
Even though
I’ve taken out
A MASSIVE
Life insurance policy
On You
A part of me
Hopes
That you don’t die

I Can’t Find Me

We are children
at play
We are adults
toiling like fool slaves
Wasting our lives
Treasured moments
dying
Try to find
What you once held
so near and dear
There it is, gone
Discarded refuse

Bits of life
barely remembered
Now lost forever

Sand falling
Through wrinkled fingers
That tremble and shake

Where is my childhood?
Where is my life?

A young boy hiding
But I can’t find him
I run, and hide
from myself

Is that you?

Oh my God,
Is that you?
How have you been?
You haven’t changed a bit

It’s been too long
You’re looking good
How’s the family?
We sure had some crazy times

Do you still do
all those great things
you used to do?
You’re the absolute greatest

I can’t tell you
how you’ve affected
my life, my views,
everything I’ve become

But tell me,
Who are you?
Why are you here?
You must be mentally ill

Do I know you?
Who let you in?
Don’t touch me
I’m calling the police

Steel City Blues

Walking along the streets
of Hamilton
I saw a city
That fell too hard
When our society changed
Without any warning.

Steel mills downsized
and downsized lives
What happened to our dreams?
We de-industrialized

An old woman walks by
Smiling, aging lady
Makeup blurring lines

False promises beneath
a death mask
As she strides, determined
Gritty, ragged, so hard to love
But even harder
To leave

Me wife is nice

Dinner’s on the table
Roast beef for all of us
cuddlin’ the asparagus
Me wife is nice

She’s walking down the stairs
with a hot cup of tea
She wants to talk to me
Me wife is nice

I follow her downstairs
Chit chat, chit chat, chit chat
a whole lot more of that
Me wife is nice

I leave in stocking feet
thumping up stairs I get
But my feet are soaking wet
and cold as ice!

Looking down at the stair
I cannot help but stare
spilled tea all over there
now ain’t that nice!

Philippa spillipa.

Country Music

Country music scares me
Swing your partner
Round and round
You psychotic bastards

It’s all about losing
Your wife
Your dog
Your farm
Yourself

Dohsee doh, Bobby Joe
Chug it down
Away we go
You inbred hillbillies

Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care
See what I mean?
No-one cares, not even Jimmy

Take me to the country
Way past insanity

Because you’re mine
I crossed the line

Fah La Lah

Fah la lah
Fah la lah
Fah la lah

Lah la
Lah la
Lah la
Lah la

dooby, dooby
rolladooby
dooby, dooby, doo

Fah la lah
Fah la lah
Fah la lah

Fah la lah
Fah la lah
Fah la lah

Fuh la lah
Fuh la lah
Fuh la lah

Fuh fuh lah
Fuh fuh lah
Fuh fuh lah

Fuh fuh Fuh
Fuh fuh fuh
Fuh fuh fuh

Fuh fuh fuh
Fuh fuh fuh
Fuck off clown!

Questions

Why does life
ebb and flow as tides?
Why does love ebb and flow?
Why does death mock us?
Why does life mock us?
Why are we here?

When did you grow old?
Where am I
What time is it?
How many clowns can fit in a car?
Who am I?
Where am I now?

Is that your best effort?
Where have you been?
The answer to these
and all other questions
is sixteen.

My world

Nothing seems to make sense anymore
If it ever did make sense
And I doubt that it ever did
People are strangers
Even after you get to know them
They hide in plain sight
And talk behind your back
Welcome to my world
Here and now
Welcome to your world
Tomorrow and next week
If you’re looking for me
I’m easy to find
I’ll be wearing jeans
And a tee shirt

You must remember this

Remember the time
I made out with the gorgeous girlfriend
Of a burley biker?

Remember when I beat the crap
Out of the biker
And the whole biker gang
When he objected?

Remember how all the biker girls
Smothered me with kisses
While I peed on the big dude’s bike?

No, I didn’t think so
You never remember anything
I make up in my head

Oh, you’ve heard this

Did you hear the one about…
You did?
Oh, never mind then

He’s gone

He bought the farm
Cashed in his chips
Had the biscuit
And took a dirt nap, having gone
the way of all flesh
So I don’t think
you’ll be getting that twenty back
anytime soon

Dirty Girl

She looked heavily tanned
But no
She was only filthy
To lick her breasts
was to clean them up
Salty tits
caked with mud and old dirt
It felt so grimy
to feel her up
How would you feel?

Young at heart

I was moving freely
Through the crowd
In a real young, Neil Young
Kind of way

A rock star
I was not
But I was still
Searching for answers
On the back of a napkin

In faded print, the cryptic message
“Harvey’s Hamburgers”
and an answer
to the question
What’s for dinner?

I can’t remember

I can’t remember
if my friends
said you were dead

If not,
Happy Birthday baby!

Help is only a phone call away
But I don’t have the number

The Old Mill Stream

The mystery
Of why the blue water
Turned brown
Was solved
When we went upstream
And saw the fat guy
Taking a crap

My Hero

In an office tower
You are my inspiration
In an open field
You are wings to give me flight
In a crowded elevator,
You are the wind
Between my cheeks

Buildings

More buildings are going up everywhere
To provide more housing
For the rich and merely wealthy

I can only conclude
That more people
Are becoming rich
Every day

At the same time,
Make-work litter clean-up programs
Ensure the streets are clean
For poor people to sleep on
In cardboard boxes
That are brand new,
Having just been emptied
Of wide-screen TVs
By their rich owners

…my box has a window

Lunch Date

My best friend
Is my fine lunch
When it’s finally gone
So are all the good times
I never had
The pleasure
Of my company
Is hereby requested… by me
I’m not alone
When I have cookies
And sandwiches to eat
But when the dining is done
I sit alone in silence.
And think about how
Unspeakably rude
I’ve been to myself

I don’t know

Did you see them?
Over there, behind the tree?
They’re observing
You, me, that drooling man over there
And they’re filling out reports

They’re studying our behaviour
Well, my behaviour
It’s an intense research effort
Funded by government grants

They want to know
What I don’t know
They want to know
When I first didn’t know
What I don’t know
And how long I haven’t known it

Why are they doing this study?
… I don’t know

Accessories

Run
They’re after us
They want to take me in for questioning

The questions aren’t the problem
It’s the answers I give
That get me into trouble

You’re standing next to me
That makes you an accessory
Never mind who I am
All will be revealed
During the interrogation

There’s something wrong with me

I run around
Screaming obscenities
At nobody

I run in circles,
Fists clenched in rage
At everyone

I wake up screaming
In frustration
Over nothing

There’s something wrong with me
There’s something seriously wrong with me
But the doctors don’t know what it is

My troubles began
When I took an interest
In Canadian politics
You can’t slap the face
Of a faceless bureaucrat
And the politicians are on vacation

Release

Falling
I’ve lot all control
Over the love
I keep inside
Falling beyond desire
I release unwillingly
And fall into a trap
There’s no way out for me
Without you
And no way in
Without risk

Pleasant Dreams

Follow your dreams
To where they lead
You have no control
over your life

Even in your deep sleep
You are a victim, still
Lost in a dream
You pretend it makes sense
Interpret clues
There is no meaning
For you

You now feel depressed
Just reading this poem
Aloud
People stop and stare
As a fool reads aloud
And that sad fool is you

Relax, sad fool
It’s just a dream
That you can never wake up from

Tests

The doctor leans over
And speaks to me
Like a child

He’s going to run some tests now
Nothing serious
It won’t hurt a bit

But it does hurt
When each test reveals
More evidence
That I don’t fit in

There are no wrong answers
Every answer is wrong
There are no wrong answers
Every answer is wrong

The Death of Meaning

We work so long for our reward
A cold beer
And some time spent with friends
Then it’s back to work
The cycle keeps on repeating
Until we’re dead

I once looked for the answers
Not now
I’m so afraid
Of what
I might find

I am
Therefore I know
That one day I’ll die
Leave this life
For another life
Of routine
Endless repetition
Hiding from death
With small lives

Deja vu

Oh my God,
Is that you?
How have you been?
You haven’t changed a bit

It’s been too long
You’re looking good
How’s the family?
We sure had some crazy times

Do you still do
all those great things
you used to do?
You’re the absolute greatest

I can’t tell you
how you’ve affected
my life, my views,
everything I’ve become

But tell me,
Who are you?
Why are you here?
You must be mentally ill

Do I know you?
Who let you in?
Don’t touch me
I’m calling the police

Just watch me

People are watching me
As I breathe, eat, sleep
Belch and swallow

Watching, me
Following, observing
Studying, me
For hours on end
While pretending
To ignore me

But they
aren’t following anyone
People watching people watch

I think I’ll just walk over here
Now maybe I’ll walk over there
I’m ready for a nap

Storm warning

Dark clouds loom
In the morning sky
Turning day into night

Why does the air get cool
And moist?
With an impending
Sense of doom?

Dark clouds loom
In my morning head
Following nightmares, sleep

Why do I feel down
And low?
With an impending
Sense of doom?

Birds

Birds take control
Of city sidewalks
Then fly away
Lighting down
To watch us all
Pointlessly toil for so much scratch

Broken People

It’s best to avoid
Broken People
They’ll only bring you down
You can’t help them
Unless you try
And why would you
They’re expendable
Imperfect, flawed
Just like you
And me
Close your eyes and you won’t see them

Rhymes with Orange

You take
And you take
And you take
And you take
And you take
And you take
And you never give

Have you
Considered
A Career
In Politics?

2005 BC

In beautiful BC
They have a saying:
If you can see the mountains
It’s going to rain
And if you can’t see the mountains
Its already raining

As its name asserts,
This Canadian province
Predates Jesus
So it’s seen its share of rain
And floods
Big floods
Of biblical proportions

If it’s sunny, they light a joint
If it’s rainy, they light a joint

To help the farmers,
They made pot-smoking mandatory
In beautiful BC

But you can only toke
In private residences
And public parks and shopping malls

If you go to BC, buy a big bag
And smoke up at Stanley Park
Please don’t tell anyone
I told you to do this

You’re done now

I know you don’t have time
For reading poems
So I’ll wrap this one up
Right now