Chapter 1:
It's true: Everybody hates Toronto

Everybody hates Toronto.
Were truer words ever spoken?
Philip Marchand, the illustrious book reviewer and colleague of mine at The Toronto Star, is among the legions of people who readily acknowledge that “everybody hates Toronto.”
Marchand asserted this simple statement of fact in a column in which he attributed a reluctance of Toronto writers to actually mention Toronto in their books. He noted: “Of course we all know the reason for this: Everybody hates Toronto.”
I know what you’re thinking: Marchand’s a prominent book reviewer, a near-genius, and I’ve written a book that I’d love to have glowingly reviewed.
Therefore, you assume I’m about to launch into a lengthy suck-up passage throwing all kinds of empty flattery at the man.
Well, you’re wrong. I certainly don’t have to sink that low. I’ve got some self-respect and integrity. And this book has merit that speaks for itself.
Besides, someone as talented, thoughtful and brilliant as Marchand isn’t about to get taken in by a lot of flattery.
He’s far too intelligent, erudite, witty, analytical and downright dapper to fall for anything like that (incidentally, the book reviewers at The Globe and Mail, National Post and all other major newspapers are also quite brilliant).
No, I was about to mention that I’ve heard the “I hate Toronto” phrase from many lips, not just from those as articulate and well-spoken as Marchand’s.
That got me thinking: It’s true. Everybody hates Toronto. But why?
I set out to answer this burning question, employing exhaustive research efforts, surveys, interviews, plus good old fashioned guess work – and plenty of it.
What evolved was an informal, pseudo-scientific study that yielded some startling findings.

Seein’ the tower

From the outset, it must be acknowledged that Toronto can certainly make a bad first impression.
One of the most striking – and offensive – features of Toronto's high-rise skyline is the CN Tower.
The world's tallest free-standing structure presents an imposing signature that boldly states: “This is Toronto.”
But the tower can also have an unsettling impact on people approaching the city.
As you near Toronto, the omnipresent tower suddenly juts into view – like an abruptly raised finger.
At the base of the tower is the Skydome stadium with retractable roof, which somewhat resembles a clenched fist, with the tower itself sticking up like a single, arrogant, straightened finger – guess which one.
At a purely subliminal level, the message received is: “We're Toronto and you're not – so up yours bum-wipe!”
How rude and annoying. No wonder people hate Toronto. Up yours bum-wipe, indeed!
Of course, that’s only one interpretation, however widely held it may be.

Phallic Symbol

Another interpretation is that the tower, longest in the world, is actually something of a phallic symbol.
It’s as if Toronto is saying: “Look how big ours is. We’ve got the longest tower there is – and by tower, we mean tower. Is your little thing as big? No, we didn’t think so…”
Here again, the Skydome completes an unfortunate image forever burned into the darkest reaches of mankind’s collective psyche.
You see, the Skydome sits at the base of this huge, rigid appendage.
The dome’s rounded shape is frankly somewhat reminiscent of a giant scrotum; its retractable roof folds resembling soft folds of wrinkled flesh safely containing balls (and other sports paraphernalia).
As though all this somehow isn’t blatantly obvious enough, the entire scene is periodically bathed in lighting – pink, flesh-coloured, lighting.
And at the huge, rigid tower’s tip there flashes an urgently throbbing red light.
A charitable reading of this display might be that Toronto is simply happy to see us. Very happy to see us.
However, I suggest that it’s just plain rude to flash one’s phallic symbol in public.
Toronto may be a member of the tall tower society, but abusing a member’s stature by flashing one’s throbbing tip should not be considered acceptable behaviour in any societal circle.
Such disturbing appendage imagery may not seem outwardly apparent to the thousands of people struggling to get in and out of this crowded city.
But at a deeper level, these images can take hold and leave one with a vague, nagging, uncomfortable feeling – especially when it’s recalled that Toronto is the “Gay Capital” of Canada.

A rich tradition of hatred

But the uniting of Canadians from coast to coast in their hatred for Toronto is a phenomenon – a shared cultural asset – that long predates the CN Tower and Skydome.
Even before there were Canadians, before Toronto was even called Toronto, before there was a city of any kind to vent at, people stood ready, willing and able to hate the place as soon as it could be conceived.
Indeed, I’m told there are actually biblical references to a future, city that people aren’t going to like very much. I’d imply that city’s name rhymes with Toronto, but nothing rhymes with Toronto.
And that makes it all the more difficult to slam Toronto in funny limericks, removing a potential source of satisfaction and unveiling yet another reason why people detest the place.
Virtually everyone, it seems, hates at least some aspects of Toronto, if not the city as a whole.
Personally, I hate the commute to and from this metropolis in white-knuckle, bumper-to-bumper traffic that leaves me frustrated, stressed out and gagging on exhaust fumes and pollution as I make traffic gains that are best measured in inches. By the time I reach The Toronto Star to begin my editing shift, I’m already stressed out and exhausted from the drive in.
But the arduous commute is just one element that people truly hate about Toronto. There are clearly so many frustrations associated with Toronto that many are prone to exclaim: “I hate Toronto!”
To understand why this hatred exists, one must first gain a sufficient understanding of Toronto and the origins of feelings of extreme dislike towards this city. And so, I offer this brief history of this much-reviled city:

A Brief History of Toronto

Toronto began some time ago and after managing to annoy a lot of people under its old name of York, it renamed itself Toronto and annoyed even more people.
It soon earned the nickname Hogtown, which Torontonians believe is owed to the city’s history as a hub of the pork industry.
In fact, right from the start, Toronto (then called York) was viewed as greedy by people from Hamilton (then called Hamilton) and Port Dover (then called Port Dover).
Toronto developed into an uptight Presbyterian city that prohibited drinking and fun of any kind. It then evolved into a politically correct, corporate city and capital of Ontario that allows drinking although it’s still uneasy about you having fun of any kind.
That’s it. That concludes our brief history. I don’t think I’ve left anything out and hope that was sufficiently brief (I do tend to run on a bit sometimes).

Trying to forget Toronto

Marchand feels Toronto simply isn’t getting enough attention.
Stating he’s “not trying to make a big deal of this,” and then going on to fill the better part of page with a massive opinion piece, Marchand bemoans the fact none of the books that recently won, or were even on the short list for, the Giller prize for best novel or the short list for the Governor General’s Award for fiction, were actually set in Toronto. 1.
In fact, Marchand notes none of the past 10 Giller prize-winning novels were set in Toronto and you’d have to go back to Hugh Garner’s Best Stories in 1963 to find a Governor General’s Award-winner set in T.O. This, despite the fact that many of the winning writers actually live in the Toronto area and have for some time. 2.
Yet it seems few if any Toronto area writers actually want to write about Toronto, with the partial exception of Carol Shields who set a small part of ‘Unless’ in Toronto. 3.

Hog Town Shunned

Other than that, many Toronto area writers pretty much shun Hog Town. Marchand believes he knows why: “Of course we all know the reason for this: Everybody hates Toronto. Even people who live in Toronto hate Toronto, and if they’re writers they would rather write about Uganda or Bolivia or Manitoba than the city they inhabit.” 4.
That’s true, but the burning question is why. I’m here to ask that question and then answer my own question, while providing solid entertainment value in the process.
As an aside, I must state that as the author of the novel ‘Friendly, Manitoba’ I’m personally offended by Marchand’s comment, even though I don’t reside in Toronto and was only contemplating writing ‘Friendly, Manitoba’ when he made his remark. Now that I’m actually engaged in writing the book, I feel more offended. Way to go Philip!
To be fair, a great many Canadian writers, including Shields, Robertson Davies and Margaret Atwood, have set some of their novels at least partly in Toronto. For this Torontonians should be grateful and stop whining. It ought to be enough that a book, any book, makes a brief reference to a character passing through Toronto while on his way to some place more culturally significant, such as Hamilton.
My own thorough research and analysis of this situation suggests that Toronto writers avoid mentioning Toronto because their experience of living in Toronto is likely unpleasant.
And people, writers included, tend to avoid dwelling on unpleasant matters.
These writers probably don’t like Toronto much – maybe even hate the place – and therefore rarely make mention of Toronto.

Honourable Mentions

But at least Toronto is getting some ink, ending a lengthy period of writers such as Arthur Hailey drawing on their Toronto experiences but recasting the setting as New York or Chicago.
But what is truly pathetic are the people who take enormous pride in watching a movie set in Chicago but filmed in Toronto: “Oh look, this fake Chicago street is actually Jarvis – isn’t this wonderful?”
Some of these same people take perverse pride in reading novels set elsewhere that recast as American some vaguely recognizable Toronto street or personality.
In fact, although Ernest Hemingway rarely even mentioned Canada, to many Torontonians, one of the most significant aspects of this famed, innovative American writer is that he spent the formative years of his celebrated career in Toronto in the 1920s.
But to a far greater number of Torontonians, the truly outstanding thing about Ernest Hemingway is that the man’s initials spelled out the quintessential Canadian expression: “eh.” This is seen as more than enough reason to launch an entire movement to make Hemingway an honorary Canadian.
Indeed, the fact that Hemingway got his start in Toronto also has some Torontonians pushing to rename the whole of Yonge Street as Heming Way.
Yet lost in all of this self-congratulatory euphoria is one very simple fact: Hemingway got his start in Toronto – but he wasn’t exactly crazy about the place, finding both the beer and the rent far too expensive.

Hemingway Didn’t Care For Toronto

William Burrill, author of Hemingway: The Toronto Years, recounts Hemingway’s years in Toronto, toiling with the Toronto Star (something William and I can also relate to).
While with the Star, Hemingway had served in Europe as a foreign correspondent and clearly regarded his subsequent return to Toronto as a downer.
As Burrill notes:
“Despite the warm welcome, Hemingway had already sunk into a bad mood by the time the train arrived in Toronto. After several years of artistic freedom in Europe, the clean, sober Protestant city in which he was planning to spend the next two years reminded him all too much of the churchy lifestyle of mother Grace.” 5.
Ouch! Commenting further on Toronto’s reputation for having a stifling atmosphere, Burrill also observes:
“Perhaps Wyndham Lewis, who was marooned in Toronto during World War II, said it best when he described the city as a “sanctimonious icebox,” where Presbyterians and Methodists created “a reign of terror for the toper and the whoremaster…” 6.

Ouch again. You might think Lewis was a little over-the-top in his recent assessment – possibly uttered in the heat of passion – offered for our enlightenment just a scant six or seven decades ago.
It seems a bit insane, you say. “A reign of terror for the toper and the whoremaster,” – ridiculous, you say.
Or is it? Think of the last time you heard anyone proudly proclaim themselves as a toper or whoremaster. Think of the last time you even heard the words “toper” or “whoremaster.” That’s right, Toronto has virtually wiped out these once proud titles. Way to go, Hogtown!

Politically Correct To The Max

But you don’t have to go back to the Second World War to find a sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, judgemental Toronto: Hog Town today is easily the most politically correct centre on the face of the planet.
In fact, Toronto is literally the Grinch that stole Christmas: It’s considered bad form – very bad form – to so much as mention Christmas at any time of year, but particularly at Christmas time when you’re apt to offend racist people who cannot tolerate the fact that some people like to celebrate Christmas and the birth of Christ…
And one must always be very sensitive to the sensibilities of racist people who cannot tolerate the fact that some people like to celebrate Christmas and the birth of Christ.
The city government and many employers take particular pride in “proving” to everyone that they’re not prejudiced against people from various foreign ethnicities by making a fuss over the religious holidays of others, no matter how obscure.
It’s particularly special if you wish someone a Happy Chanukah or a Rockin’ Ramadan but very wrong to wish someone a Merry Christmas.
Toronto recently renamed its Christmas tree a “holiday” tree and it seems the only acceptable Christmas greeting is one such as “happy holidays” or “season’s greetings,” which makes no mention of the word Christmas.
I wonder when the Hindus, Jews and all other religious groups are going to make their religious holidays generic events so as not to offend Christians and other religious groups? I’m still waiting. But I’m not holding my breath.
In Christmas 2003, one corporate Toronto secretary issued a warm-hearted email invitation to attend a Christmas party.
This happy email was followed a short time later by another email from the same secretary, who had apparently been spoken to and was now apologizing for slipping up.
She was now correcting herself and re-inviting everyone to a “holiday party.”
Makes you wonder how many attended this politically correct event.
Personally, I’m not big on joyless, generic, meaningless events that celebrate nothing. But that’s just me. Some people really like that kind of stuff.
Faced with paying $300,000 or more for a fixer-upper house, many Torontonians opt for less expensive $200,000 condominium apartments, only to find themselves dealing with politically correct condo boards.
These righteous boards prohibit unit-owners from putting up a festive Christmas wreath on their door – because that door can be seen by other owners in the hallway, and we wouldn’t want to offend them with some Christmas cheer now would we?

Hyphenating Canadians

In Toronto, if you’re not Liberal, you’re not listening. That’s Liberal with a capital L, as in Liberal Party. Except this party isn’t so much liberal as it is opportunistic.
Lacking ideas of their own, the Liberals blatantly steal the platform planks of rival parties such as the Conservatives and the New Democratic Party. Some of these ideas are right wing, some are left wing, but all enjoy a degree of support from the electorate.
Putting it charitably, it’s pragmatic, practical politics that to some degree truly reflects the will of the people. Put more crassly, it’s pandering to the masses, the purchasing of popularity, the buying of votes.
Another way the Liberals buy votes is through immigration ethnicity and the wooing of support from visible minorities.
The prevailing tact operates on the philosophy that immigrants travel across the world to move to Canada so that they can hang onto their old culture and resist adapting to Canada.
That the reverse is true – that they actually came here to become Canadians and adopt our culture as their own – is of no consequence.
Toronto, more so than just about any other Canadian city, delights in ghettoizing the newcomers into various ethnic groups.

Isolating Canadians from one another

And as part of the Liberal vote-buying strategy, these various ethnic groups are then catered to with funding to pay them for holding a parade or an event that displays their old culture, when in fact, most of them would rather leave the past in the past and concentrate on the Canadian present and future. They just want to get on with their lives.
But just when they’re starting to feel truly Canadian, there’s always a bureaucrat or the media to remind them that they’re a visible minority.
The vote-buying strategy also fosters the pretence that these groups have special (read expensive) needs and issues that must be urgently dealt with.
As a visible minority, someone out there must be discriminating against them.
And if they haven’t noticed anyone exhibiting prejudice, a costly study should be able to find some obscure incident or impression that can be blown up to justify the undertaking of the costly study. And more dollars will be needed to rectify this situation.
This, of course, is followed by a sanctimonious report that immediately decries the perceived existence of widespread discrimination and prejudice in our society.
The report and its politically correct champions hastily label as racist anyone who questions unsafe or bizarre foreign customs, with the exception of the time-honoured practice by some groups of stoning adulterous women to death.

Canadian Culture Doesn’t Count

Overall, the message is always the same.
The people who just arrived have cultural traditions that must be respected and nurtured and heavily funded, no matter how much they might seem to be at odds with Canadian culture, which after all doesn’t really count.
Even third generation Canadians who have darker skin can’t escape the ghettoization efforts.
Try as they might to simply be accepted as Canadians, visible minorities are constantly divided up into little groups that society is somehow failing to fully service.
It seems we’re always falling short and letting them down. But here’s a few more million dollars and an apology and a request – more of an indirect suggestion or inference really – that you consider voting Liberal.
Anyone who questions the idea of a soldier wearing a cloth turban instead of a helmet or objects to a Mountie wearing a turban instead of the time-honoured RCMP Stetson is dismissed as a redneck and racist. It’s the Liberal way.
Of course, not everyone in Toronto votes Liberal. But enough do to give the city an air of arrogant self-righteousness.
Not that the Liberals have a monopoly on segregating Canadians. The Tories in particular also like to divide Canadians, only in their case, it’s usually along economic lines with policies that ensure the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
And middle-income Canadians get stuck with paying the bill for this misguided largesse.
Hand-in-hand with all of this is Toronto’s over-arching desire to be politically correct at all times.
This is necessary if you want to indulge in a time-honoured habit of looking down on all other parts of the country that are not as politically correct – and therefore not as advanced or enlightened – as you are.
The effect of constantly striving to be politically correct, to speak in politically correct ways and to think in politically correct terms isn’t always easy.
After all, what’s politically correct today may be politically incorrect tomorrow.
But generally, a helpful rule of thumb suggests that if a measure goes against the interests of a majority of Canadians, it’s usually safe to assume it’s politically correct.

Watch What You Say

It’s enough to give one pause, to make one avoid speaking freely, to limit one’s conversational discourse to broad pronouncements that all minority groups and cultures are wonderful and contribute enormously to our cultural fabric and we should do more for them, perhaps starting with substantial funding.
It’s also enough to make it quite difficult to relax and have fun (try telling a joke that’s actually funny without it being at the expense of a minority group).
Toronto doesn’t have a monopoly on political correctness (Ottawa deserves its own book). But it’s here that the politically correct truly flourish at the expense of all others who prefer thinking for themselves and weighing arguments on the basis of merit, rather than following a preconceived rigid thought pattern.
And nowhere is the politically correct attitude more pervasive, more self-righteously intense than in Toronto’s uptight, overly serious office environment.

Jokes Corrected

Here, any half-joking remark is sure to be ‘corrected’ by a judgemental co-worker in an intensely competitive setting in which no-one dares leave 10 minutes early on a Friday lest they be labelled a slacker. Here, self-regulated and self-censured speech patterns are in full vogue.
Politically correct statements meet with approving nods and illicit more stale politically correct statements from others to more approving nods.
It’s a game with rigid rules, void of fun, a workaholic ritual that accepts you for who you really aren’t.
So what if it looks like you’re walking around with a pole shoved up your ass (notice I said pole, not Pole, as I have no intention of slighting Polish people who are wonderful and contribute enormously to our cultural fabric and we should do more for them, perhaps starting with substantial funding).
And so, we’ve already examined a number of reasons why people hate Toronto, ranging from an insistence on preventing immigrants from becoming Canadians and the constant isolating and ghettoizing of our fellow citizens, to the holier-than-thou politically correct set, the dismissal of our own culture, and the widespread disrespect for Christian customs and beliefs in a zealous effort to suck up to other religions.
But as we’re about to discover there are more – many more – reasons why people hate Toronto.
It’s time know to visit our survey and look at the anecdotal evidence it brings to this most compelling of questions: Why indeed does everybody hate Toronto?

End Notes:

1. Philip Marchand, ‘Toronto the Ignored. Literati leave Big Smoke out in the cold’, Toronto Star, November 23, 2002. pg. J4.
2. IBID
3. IBID
4. IBID
5. William Burrill, Hemingway: The Toronto Years, Toronto: Doubleday Canada Limited, 1994. pg. 152.
6. IBID