The summer breeze
fills you
with good feelings
tells you
your life has no end
Warm air caresses
like a lover's kiss
sets free your youth
eternally
The summer leaves
living
hold to branches
knowing
their life has no end
For this is summer
filled with promises
that won't be broken
until the fall
The Summer Breeze,

- Michael B. Davie



PROLOGUE

     The summer breeze sends an empty cigarette package and an odd collection of litter swirling in a meaningless dance towards a darkened building.

     A light, drawn-out, scraping sound rasps in the warm night air as the cigarette box sweeps across the building's brick walls.

     The sprawling structure has an institutional look about it, appropriate as it's the Hamilton Psychiatric Hospital, a place where those who can't handle the steel mills or business world or life can spend part of their lives attempting to find whatever they need to cope.

     Here, high above most of the city on the Niagara Escarpment, there are no steel mills, just trees partly obscuring the impassive exterior of the sprawling psychiatric complex. An easy calm pervades this area of the escarpment - known as The Mountain to Hamiltonians.

     Tonight the evening quiet settles easily around the institution, the nearby college, the modest homes of sleeping citizens.

     If there's a hint anywhere of impending change, it's suppressed as always behind the expressionless walls of the asylum. The darkened windows reveal nothing at all.

     Inside is a separate order in which highly-trained staff try to unravel complexities of the mind which have robbed their patients of any truly meaningful relationship with life.

     Most men and women entering the institution eventually leave better able to handle the outside world. Some return when the pressures of life again become overwhelming.

     Some stay for extended periods of time, using the regulated lifestyle as a buffer against an outside world they want to escape.

     Down a maze of hospital-green hallways is a small, basic room where a young escapist from life lies sleeping.

     The slim, young man twitches involuntarily, reacting to the dreams that fill his mind every sleeping moment.

     The private hell of recurring nightmares forces a silent scream from his drawn mouth. White-knuckled hands clutch thin sheets in a desperate grip as the screams erupt in a barely-audible rasp.

     The young man begins to writhe in his bed, the springs making yawing sounds under his jolting weight.

     So far, the commotion is not enough to attract the attention of staff walking the halls.

     But the young man's life has not gone ignored by others. In an office at the far end of the wing, his future is being discussed in candid terms by professionals who have long studied his erratic behaviour.

Chapter 1:
Walls

     "You believe Jay Emerson is ready to be released?"

The question, voiced by nurse Susan Anderson, hung in the air as Dr. Leonard Bromberg's face took on a thoughtful expression.

     "I do," he answered finally, "although it's difficult to ever be totally certain. Emerson has however been here six years now and his progress over the past year in particular would seem to indicate that he's prepared to re-enter society with an adequate degree of competence."

     Nurse Anderson shrugged. "Think he'll be able to find work?"

     "Yes, don't you?"

     Again, a shrug. "I don't know - he's had protracted periods of being unable to cope entirely and I can remember one..."

     The doctor cut her short. "I don't have to remind you that those periods were largely confined to the first few years of his stay here. I'm also of the opinion that those periods were due, in large part, to the lingering effects of narcotics. Of late, Emerson has given me good reason to believe he'll be capable of functioning as a normal member of society."

     "Now why do I find that hard to believe?" nurse Anderson asked sarcastically.

     Dr. Bromberg bristled. "I'm aware of your low opinion of Emerson just as I'm aware of the difficulties he's had in the past. He arrived here in late 1973, a time some would call the dying days of the 'sixties era and..."

     "And" the nurse interrupted, "he hasn't changed at all in the six years he's been here. The 'sixties were pretty much over when he got here but you'd never know it to look at him - even now. He's still walking around with hair down to his.. behind. He talks about things that happened in the 'sixties as though they're still happening now. I doubt if he could name our prime minister or talk about anything going on today. It's nineteen eighty but for Emerson it's more like nineteen seventy. His mind is trapped in the past, and he's supposed to cope with…"

     "Yes," Dr. Bromberg cut in, "I'm quite aware of Jay's habit of clinging to the past. But I'm sure he'll adjust."

     Nurse Anderson shrugged. "He was let out for a little while before and it didn't exactly work out."

     "Yes, but I'll say it again. I believe Emerson is now ready for release."

     "Well, you're the doctor," nurse Anderson said nonchalantly, repeating the shrug Dr. Bromberg had grown to detest.

     "Yes," Dr. Bromberg pointedly agreed, "I'm the doctor."

     "When?" the nurse asked.

     "Soon. We'll monitor Emerson over the next few weeks before arriving at a definite date. There's no immediate hurry but I'd like to spend some time with him, determine if there are any lingering abnormalities, get him accustomed to the fact he'll soon be leaving us. Presuming my expectations are borne out, Emerson will pass further scrutiny and he'll be released in just a few weeks."

     Dr. Bromberg lightly scratched his close-cropped greying beard and looked up to see nurse Anderson leaving his office.

     "Check in on Emerson on your way back will you?"

     "I always do," nurse Anderson smiled.

     One day soon, Dr. Bromberg promised himself, he would have a discussion with his nurse on the need for a respectful attitude towards his considered opinions on what was best for his patients. For now however, he was preoccupied with thoughts of preparing a once severely disturbed young man for re-entry into the outside world. Emerson's ability to reason had long ago returned and his deep depressions had lifted. Despite this, he was still moody, still fearful and at times impulsive. The decision to release him had not come easily.

     Nurse Anderson smoothed long light-brown hair away from hazel eyes as she walked down the sterile white corridors of the institution.

     On reaching Room 213, nurse Anderson paused and looked inside. The tall, slim man stretched out on the narrow bed looked up from the book he was reading and glared at her with penetrating, dark blue eyes.

     The nurse forced a smile. "What are you reading?"

     "A book," came Jay Emerson's sarcastic response as he sat up at the end of the bed.

     The nurse stood in the doorway awkwardly for a moment as Jay returned his attention to his book.

     "Well, I'll let you get back to your reading," she said sharply. "I'd like you to be a little less rude the next time I look in on you."

     "Have a nice day," Jay said quietly as he watched her walk briskly down the hall. "Bitch," he added under his breath. He realized she'd done little to antagonize him this time and he felt a momentary stab of regret. He then reflected on her normally condescending attitude, unwillingness to bend the rules and frequent sarcastic comments. "Bitch," he reconfirmed.

     Nurse Anderson had been openly hostile towards him. It had not been until several weeks later that he learned through talking with other' 'inmates' of her reasons for animosity towards him. Her eldest son had a severe drug problem that she blamed on those who had supplied him with a steady flow of narcotics. Jay recalled his efforts to reason with the nurse had been useless.

     She had snapped obscenities at him when he explained the drugs he had purchased were rarely sold - and then only to friends. Her hostility had not subsided in the ensuing years. She hated him with a loathing that was impossible to conceal for more than a moment.

     Although some of the hospital staff were friendly and approachable, Jay had an intense distrust of the nurse. He was convinced she had deliberately triggered some of his emotional outbursts during periods when he was under assessment for possible release. Jay felt the 'nurse was both cunning and manipulative, vindictive, bent on making him pay for his past drug abuse.

     The latest room check had been brief. But it was always like that now. They're always checking, Jay thought with apprehension, always watching for what? Why all the attention? Was a release date drawing near?

     Jay casually swept long, dark brown hair away from his eyes and glanced around his small, sparsely furnished room. For all its faults, the institution is a safe retreat from an unpredictable world. The institution's many rules and regulations are both frustrating and perversely calming, Jay considered uneasily. There were always meals, a warm place to sleep.

     The rules are overly rigid yet they lend a comforting order to life within the walls. A strange life, Jay mused, as some basic needs are met in exchange for the sacrifice of freedom.

     Jay's steady stare at stark white walls began to blur. His gaze now extended down his own lean frame. He was alone. His life extended no further than his own slim, hardened boy. His mind began racing with thoughts he was wary to trust. His mind had failed him before, unleashed uncontrollable fears hallucinations, paranoia.

     His thoughts now focused on an outside world he'd lost touch with. Jay realized he had read few newspapers, watched very few newscasts in the six years he had been inside, preferring to shut out the world he could no longer bring himself to be a part of. Retreating behind the institution's walls, he found reports on wars in other countries and even news events in Canada held little meaning for him. They were better left ignored

     The institution had become his only home. Beyond its walls lay a world realized he did not understand, a world of uncaring strangers. Jay tried in vain to block out the feelings of bitterness suddenly welling up inside him. Why had his parents died in a car accident? Where were his friends? His throat felt tight from the intense feelings he tried desperately to lock inside.

     No one visited. Ever. They think you're nothing, Jay silently taunted himself.

     People leave you when you need them the most, he believed, when you need them to keep your mind together, to keep you from smashing everything.

     His anger was welling up too rapidly, becoming uncontrollable. Jay wanted to smash things, anything, everything. His hands gripped the bed frame with white-knuckled fury. The grip became still stronger, threatening to rip the frame apart.

     "I have to see Dr. Bromberg," he heard his voice moan. "Now. I can't.. handle this."

     The room began to spin as the dark shapes of hospital staff drew ever closer.

     "I'm glad you came to me Jay." Dr. Bromberg's voice was soothing, reassuring.

     "I...had to," Jay replied.

     "I know," Dr. Bromberg said evenly, his fingers tugging slightly on his closely-cropped beard, "and the fact that you realized this shows how far you really have come. How do you feel now?"

     "Now? Tired I guess. Just tired."

     "Do you know what brought your angry feelings out earlier?"

"I think so. I was thinking about why no one ever comes to see me. They just seem to have forgotten about me."

     "We've talked about this before."

     "I know."

     "You were able to deal with it then, Jay."

     "Mostly, yeah. But I started thinking about leaving this place and wondered who's out there for me. Nobody's out there. I'll be alone."

     "Can you live with that?"

     "Sure.. . I just want to know why my friends haven't visited me when I thought for sure they would. I can't believe I was so wrong about them. It's as though I never really knew them, all the time I was with them, the years..."

     Dr. Bromberg interrupted. "Perhaps, Jay, it's time we went back. Perhaps we'll find something in the past that will help answer these concerns."

Chapter Two
Bridge Of Dreams

     "You're back in high school now, Jay. An exciting time, friends, girlfriends, classes, teachers..." Dr. Bromberg's voice seemed drift away.

     Jay's eyes were closed, seeing only visual memories, dreams of the past...

     Holly is smiling, her long blond hair framing a face of childlike beauty.

     "Are you staring at me Jay?" came Holly's soft, melodic question.

     "Yeah, I guess I am," Jay replied with a smile. "I was just admiring your sweater - new isn't it?"

     "No, I wore it a lot last year - but I've... grown since then."

     Jay grinned as Holly moved her shoulders back to display her ample bust line.

     "Holly, I've been thinking that we should…" Jay stopped himself mid-sentence the science teacher had returned to the classroom.

     "Talk to you later," Jay said nervously.

     "Sure," Holly smiled.

At home that evening, Jay came close to telephoning the girl half a dozen times before finally dialling. There's nothing to worry about, he repeatedly reassured himself.

     "Hello?" the voice was soft, unassuming.

     "Hello - Holly?" Jay began. He paused. Blocking out. fears of rejection, he continued. "I was thinking about seeing a movie - would you like to go out?" he suddenly blurted out.

     "1 can't Jay...I'm going out with Mark."

     The comment left Jay struggling to come up with a response. What an ass I am, he silently chided himself. She isn't interested in me. It's Mark: Quarterback on the school football team.

     "Look, I'm sorry," Jay said awkwardly, "I shouldn't have…"

     "No, Jay," Holly said soothingly, "it was nice of you to ask me. I'll see you in class tomorrow.

     "Sure," Jay managed before hanging up the phone. Seeing Holly in class was the last thing he wanted now. Frustrated and humiliated, Jay cringed at the thought of classmates whispering and making smart remarks over his failed attempt to be with a girl he wanted with a gripping need that held his young life still whenever his eyes met her's.

     But the comments, the snickering he had feared never happened. School the next day was the same as always: Regimented and boring.

     She kept it to herself, he thought gratefully. Although aware of her glances at him, Jay carefully avoided looking in Holly's direction as the science class stretched on.

     Jay rushed to become one of the first to leave the classroom. At his locker he again found Holly looking at him as he hurriedly exchanged his science textbooks for history books. Again he tried hard to ignore her.

     As he watched Holly walk down the hall, Jay was suddenly pushed up against lockers by a boy he hadn't seen before.

     With the push came a terse threat.

     "Hey Romeo," the youth sneered, "Johnson wants to see you!"

     As the youth stood defiantly in front of him, inviting reaction to the deliberate shove, Jay was momentarily overcome with fear. Johnson was after him: Mark Johnson.

     Jay swallowed hard, then asked "What does he want?"

     "What the fuck do you think he wants?" the muscular youth challenged. "What are you doing with Holly, you stupid fuckhead?"

     The solidly-built youth stood ready to again push Jay against the lockers until he saw an approaching teacher. Reluctantly, fists clenched, the youth turned and walked away.

     Jay's feelings of fear gave way to anger. Holly must have told Mark of his telephone call.

     Jay endured his history class, acutely aware of the mocking looks given him by two of Johnson's friends. It was the last class of the day and Jay knew every exit from the school would be blocked by Johnson's friends.

     There was no way out. He would have to fight Johnson, a youth well known for the beatings he inflicted.

     Trying to fight off the waves of fear sweeping through him, Jay tried to ready himself. He'd have to fight, he quietly accepted.

     Jay found himself hoping the class wouldn't end. But he realized there was no turning back. He tried to convince himself he could win a fistfight. He looked down and realized both his fists were clenched. "I'll fight him," Jay said under his breath. "I can take him."

     His heart beating wildly, Jay walked out the front doors of the school.

     Mark Johnson and a gang of jeering youths walked purposely towards him.

     "Get over here asshole, I want talk to you," Johnson sneered, shaking a large fist.

     Jay readied himself. Punch him in the face his mind repeated forcefully.

     Johnson was now rapidly approaching, his face was contorted with rage.

     "Did you hear me asshole," he shouted. "I said I want to talk to you!"

     Johnson shoved Jay with both hands, knocking him over.

     "You're a fuckin' asshole - you'd better keep your filthy hands off Holly," Johnson shouted as Jay struggled to his feet.

     Johnson gave another hard shove, knocking Jay backwards. The other youths laughed loudly. Jay stumbled but quickly regained his balance.

     "Having trouble standing up?" Johnson asked sarcastically. Again the gang of noisy youths laughed loudly.

     "Enjoying this?" Jay asked bitterly.

     "Pardon me - I can't hear you," Johnson sneered, shoving Jay backwards, towards the school wall. "You got something to say to me?"

     Johnson pushed again, confidently, carelessly.

     Jay stepped forward and threw a hard punch that caught Johnson full in the face.

     "He hit him," one of the youths yelled in surprise. Johnson's hands moved to protect his face. "You're dead now," he shouted as his heavy fists pounded Jay's upper body.

     Jay warded off some of the blows, ducking and sidestepping others. His mouth was cut and bleeding as Johnson concentrated on punching him even harder in the mouth, as though drawn to the blood.

     Lunging forward, Jay knocked Johnson backwards and connected several punches on the bigger boy's face.

     But Johnson was proving clearly stronger as Jay's hands attempted to defend his face from punches which made him shout in pain.

Jay caught Johnson around the neck and pulled him to the ground, punching him hard on the side of the face as the two rolled around on the wet school lawn.

     The stronger Johnson, his mouth bleeding slightly, pinned Jay on the ground and punched him hard in the face. Johnson dug his knees into Jay's arms causing him to shout out in pain.

     "Get off me," Jay yelled, struggling unsuccessfully to free himself.

     Johnson punched Jay near his right eye. "Had enough, Jay?"

     Jay tried in vain to shake free.

     "I guess I'll let you go now - it's over," Johnson said, climbing off Jay as his friends congratulated the bully on his latest victory.

     Angry and humiliated, Jay watched them leave, wincing from the sting off tears entering his facial cuts.

     As Jay made his way home alone, Nick came striding up beside him.

     "I caught the last couple of minutes of the fight - what was that all about?" Nick asked, a motor oil-stained hand sweeping long black hair away from his eyes.

     Jay shrugged without answering, still nursing his bleeding lip.

     "Well you did pretty good," Nick said encouragingly. Jay glared at him in disbelief.

     "Really," Nick stressed, "that guy gets in fights all the time - you got quite a few punches in. His mouth was bleeding anyway."

     Jay laughed at his friend's comments and the two continued discussing the fight as they walked home.

     Once at home, Jay headed straight for the bathroom, where he examined his face with alarm. He applied cold cream to the swollen, bruised skin around his eyes.

     Stepping back for a moment, Jay was startled to see his father standing in the doorway.

     "What the hell happened to you?" he demanded.

     "Nothing - just a fight," Jay answered.

     "Well I hope the other guy got it worse than you. You know what I've told you about fighting after school - you're grounded for a week."

     Jay studiously ignored his father and continued applied cold cream to his face.

     "Did you hear what I said?" Bill Emerson angrily asked his son.

     "Yeah that's a great idea," Jay said smoothly, "grounding me should teach me not to defend myself when somebody starts a fight."

     Bill Emerson stood furious but silent in the doorway, staring hard at his son who was now placing a bandage on a facial cut. Abruptly, he turned and walked away.

     Jay walked to his room and closed the door behind him.

     "What a complete fucking drag," he said forcefully through clenched teeth. "What the hell's the use of anything."

     Jay flopped back on his bed and lay there, not wanting' to move. As the radio played low beside him, Jay stared at the ceiling and waited for the room to become dark.

     Dr. Bromberg rubbed his glasses with a handkerchief to clear the lenses of dust.

     "Eventually you did date Holly as I recall," he said, glancing at Jay who sat sprawled in the office easy chair as though in a trance.

     "Yes," Jay said slowly, his eyes focusing now on Dr. Bromberg, "We started going out only a week after the fight."

     "Continue," Dr. Bromberg encouraged.

     "I stayed home for a day," Jay added, "until the swelling in my eyes went down, I returned to school and she came over to me and explained that her little sister had overheard our phone conversation and told Mark about it. She told me she'd heard about the fight, she and Mark had an argument about it and they split up after that."

     "So she was then available to date you." Dr. Bromberg said casually, leaning back in his chair.

     "Yeah," Jay smiled. "Johnson even gave me his blessing - he seemed to like me after the fight. Maybe because I didn't run away. Holly and I were together all the time after that."

     Dr. Bromberg nodded. "When did you first start doing drugs?"

     Jay bristled at the sudden change of topic: "A long time ago - I went through all this already with the other psychiatrists."

     "Well, I think it's important that we go over some old ground, no matter how familiar. I'd like to see how you perceive the past now."

     "Why - am I getting out of here?"

     The question caught Dr. Bromberg off guard. "It's… interesting you should ask that."

     "Then it's true isn't it? I am going to be released?"

     "I didn't say that. But yes, we are considering it, it's a matter..."

     Jay interrupted impatiently. "When will I be released?"

     "We don't know for certain yet. We have a number of sessions to complete, then there's the matter of reassessment. As I've said before, you're here on a largely voluntary basis and only a few, unfortunate psychotic incidents involving violence and impulsive, perhaps even suicidal, behaviour, have resulted in your staying here as many years as you have. Nor am I entirely convinced of your ability to correctly perceive reality and act rationally and reasonably to resolve conflicts. However, I firmly believe that we're making progress so the situation is looking somewhat hopeful. But I must stress, it's strictly under consideration at the moment - there are no guarantees or..."

     Again Jay interrupted. "Alright. Fine. It's not for sure."

     "No, but it is a very real possibility that is being given serious consideration. Now, please, let yourself drift back to when you were first introduced to drugs."

     Jay sighed. "Alright. I was in my mid-teens," he said,, his mind returning to the distant past. "It was at a high school dance," Jay recalled, "and the auditorium was packed with people..."

     The final chords of House of the Rising Sun reverberated jarringly in the crowded high school gymnasium as Jay and Nick paid the admission charge to a teacher seated at the doors.

     Both youths made their way to the stage where an equally young rock band launched into an awkward version of I'm a Man. Much of the sound blended together as the band struggled with static and feedback from second-hand speakers not meant to handle the volume pounding through them.

     "These guys are awful," Jay winced.

     "Well what do you expect for fifty cents?" Nick laughed, following Jay to the far end of the gym where Holly and another girl were waiting.

     It was with nervous anticipation that Jay tapped Holly on the shoulder.

     "Jay!" Holly exclaimed, "you were supposed to meet us here half an hour ago."

     "I know," Jay said trying hard not to smile, "but Nick and I had to pick something up."

     "What?"

     "We'll show you later."

     Holly shook her head in mock exasperation. "Alright, Jay, Nick, this is my girlfriend Kathy."

     Jay gave Nick a nudge as they greeted Kathy, an attractive brunette with a sexy smile.

     As the band started up again, Jay found himself shouting to be heard above the din. The girls finally nodded to his repeated shouted offers to buy them some pop.

     With Nick beside him, Jay moved alongside the painted concrete block walls towards a makeshift booth with a banner marked 'Refreshments'.

     "We'll dance with the girls then head out to the parking lot, Jay said furtively as Nick nodded in agreement.

     As he danced with Holly, Jay held her close to his thin frame as she rested her head on his chest. The girl's warm body, her soft hair and perfume had a strangely hypnotic effect as Jay moved instinctively to the band's steady primitive rhythm.

     They were reluctant to release each other as the song ended. Glancing to his right, Jay smiled at the sight of Nick and Kathy locked in a similar embrace.

     Another slow number and Jay again swayed gently in circles with Holly, softly kissing her warm neck as she snuggled still closer to him. He wanted deeply to continue holding her, to feel her soft warm body against his. Jay longed to take her clothes off, feel her firm young breasts, breathe in her warm, woman smell until he was hopelessly intoxicated.

     Holly looked into his eyes now with a warmth that made Jay press her tightly against his untucked, blue plaid lumberjack shirt.

     His thoughts were rudely jolted back to the crowded high school gymnasium as the band abruptly broke into an overly energetic version of Twist and Shout.

     Nick tapped Jay on the arm. "Let's step outside for a minute, get some fresh air."

     Jay looked at Holly who nodded in agreement. Nick and Kathy were already making their way through the crowd.

     Kathy turned around. "We have to get our hands stamped so we can get back inside."

     The four friends held out their hands to a crew-cut sporting teenager with a bad case of acne. As the youth stamped their hands, each looked down at the blue lettering: Southmount Secondary School.

     "If I'd known they were going to use the same stamp as last time we could have saved half-a-buck each," Nick said shaking his head, "I've got one of these stamps at home."

     Holly giggled and nudged Jay. "You could have saved a dollar."

     "Don't remind me," Jay said ruefully, "c'mon let's get outside."

     "You seem to be in a big hurry to get outside," Holly said softly, running a hand through Jay's collar-length hair, "and your hair's really getting long."

     "Look how long Nick's is," Kathy added, "It's almost down to his shoulders."

     Nick slipped long fingers down the front of his pants as the four reached the far end of the parking lot. He pulled out a plastic bag, taking care not to damage the white cigarette-shaped objects inside.

     "I hope you had a shower recently," Jay laughed.

     "Yeah," Nick joked nervously, "but I didn't get the reefers wet."

     Jay smiled. He wondered how the pot would taste, how it would make him feel. He'd slyly watched enough of his classmates toking to know how it was done. Now it was his turn. He accepted a joint from Nick with a forced casual air.

     "Is that marijuana?" Kathy asked as Nick lit the first of half a dozen thin reefers. The joint, in Jay's mouth, smouldered rapidly.

     Jay nodded, holding the smoke deep in his lungs as he passed the join to Nick.

     Nick similarly inhaled the pungent smoke deeply before passing the joint to Holly who backed away nervously.

     "It's not going to hurt you," Jay laughed.

     "I don't care. What if somebody sees us with it? It's against the law - we could go to jail."

     Nick laughed, expelling a cloud of thick white smoke. "Give me a break," he said, half-choking on the smoke, "Everybody's smoking up - there isn't enough room in jail for everybody."

     Jay smirked as he drew deeply on the joint.

     "Alright," Nick said in admiration, "now hold it in there buddy."

     As Nick took the joint from Jay's fingers, Jay slowly exhaled, releasing very little smoke.

     "That's the way," Nick said through clenched teeth, trying hard not to let any smoke escape.

     Now, Kathy accepted the joint and took a short drag off of it.

     Holly remained a couple of steps back, watching nervously for any passers by.

     Jay smiled as Nick passed him the now tiny joint. "We're getting to be old hands at this," he laughed, not certain why the comment was funny.

     Holly followed the group as they walked away from the asphalt and onto a grassy area nearby. "How long have you been smoking up?" she questioned.

     "About 20 minutes now," Jay smiled as Nick laughed hysterically.

     Holly shook her head in mock exasperation, "I mean when did you start? - and by the way we've only been out here for about 10 minutes."

     "Yeah?" Jay said surprised, "Well, actually, I don't know- a few times maybe..."

     Holly slid her arms around Jay's waist. "Is it like getting drunk or anything?"

     "Try it," Jay said simply, offering her a newly-lit joint.

     This time, Holly carefully took the slightly wet paper cylinder from Jay's outstretched hand. Drawing deeply on it, she looked around before passing it to Kathy.

     Kathy, however, stood mute, staring into the cool night sky.

     "She's out of it," Nick smiled. "Pass it to me instead."

     As the joints were passed around, Jay felt a feeling wash over him, a sensation that none of this was quite real. He felt comfortably tired, at ease with surroundings that seemed to have changed somehow. Holly is so beautiful, he thought happily, accepting yet another joint from Nick's outstretched hand.

     How long had they been outside, Jay wondered. The night sky was growing darker, cooler.

     Jay felt a playful poke in his ribs.

     "Aren't you listening to me?" Holly questioned, exploring his eyes with her own.

     "Sorry," Jay said softly, fascinated by the girl's soft features and liquid blue eyes.

     "This is really strange," Holly said slowly, her eyes still staring at his.

     Jay smiled. "I think we're all pretty stoned," he said, glancing around him to find Nick and Kathy stretched out on the school lawn.

     "It doesn't seem quite real does it," Jay remarked to no one in particular. "Everything is still the same - just different somehow."

     "Because we're stoned," Nick said, rolling around on the lawn.

     "Obviously," Jay said sarcastically, "the point is, maybe we're seeing things as they really are right now because we're more... aware of everything."

     "It's true," Kathy said solemnly, apparently unaware of Nick's steady fondling of her breasts beneath her blouse.

     Jay shook his head. "I'm starved - let's get something to eat."

     Nick was standing now, brushing off his jeans. Kathy leaned on him for support as they followed Jay and Holly back inside the school.

     The band was in the midst of a loud, nearly discordant conclusion to Cream's White Room' as Jay and his friends made their way through the crowded auditorium to a fat boy at a table where a cardboard sign declared 'refreshments here'.

     "That'll be fifteen cents," the chubby youth said as Jay selected a bag of potato chips. Jay fumbled with some change, unable to find the right amount for several minutes.

     Finally armed with potato chips and pop, the four friends sat down at a nearby table.

     "Is it me - or is everybody staring at us?" Nick asked nervously.

     "I don't know," Jay said evenly, "some of them seem to be looking at us but then they look away as soon as you catch them."

     "Think anybody saw us smoking up?" Nick asked.

     Jay shrugged. "I don't see any cops around and the teachers only ask you to empty your pockets," he added, furtively checked the front of his pants for the small bag containing a few remaining joints.

     The comment seemed to satisfy Nick although Jay was increasingly aware of subtle glances in his direction.

     "They're watching us," Jay said uncomfortably.

     "No one's watching, Jay," Holly said quietly.

     "They are," Jay insisted. "What do they want anyway?"

     "I think some of those big guys over there are talking about us," Nick said, carefully gesturing to a group of burly senior students at the far end of the room.

     "This place gives me the creeps," Jay said uneasily.

     "Don't be silly," Holly laughed. "Let's dance, Jay."

     Once on the crowded dance floor, Jay felt intoxicated by the closeness of Holly's warm moving body. But the feeling was frequently interrupted by even stronger feelings of fear. Jay remained convinced people were watching him, talking about him.

     A nearby couple jostled lightly up against Jay as they manoeuvred through the crowd of awkwardly dancing teenagers.

     "If that guy bumps into me one more time I'm going to lace him one," Jay said abruptly through clenched teeth. Fear was fast giving way to anger, confusion.

     Holly looked up at him, surprised. "Take it easy, Jay - I'm sure he didn't mean it."

     "Like hell," Jay snapped. "There's too much going on here. Everybody's talking at the same time, it's insane. Let's go."

     "I thought we were going to dance for a while."

     "No now. I don't like it here - something's going on."

     "Well, I feel really, really good," Holly whispered, moving closer to him.

     "Let's get out of here for a while," Jay insisted.

     A group of nearby youths were gesturing in their direction. "They're talking about us," Jay said in a low voice as he led Holly towards Nick and Kathy.

     "We're leaving," Jay said abruptly as Nick looked at him in surprise.

     "What's going on?" Nick asked.

     "I don't know, man," Jay said uneasily. "I really wish I knew."

     Outside. The cool open air swept over Jay, intensifying the stone.

     "Man I'm fried," Nick drawled, adding: "What's happening Jay?"

     "Let's walk for awhile," Jay answered. "I just wanted to get out of there. I was getting too.. uptight, too..."

     "Paranoid," Nick said, completing his friend's sentence.

     "Yeah," Jay agreed, casually draping an arm around Holly as they walked. "It's funny, I was feeling really good - then it all started to change. Everybody seemed to be talking at the same time, I couldn't make anything out. People seemed to be watching us..."

     "I still feel really good," Holly interjected. "Kind of tired though," she added as Kathy nodded in mute agreement.

     The four walked aimlessly down side streets as Jay stared at the changing street scenes as though seeing them for the first time.

     A breeze moved through the fall leaves of the mature trees lining each side of the street.

     The trees seemed to breathe sporadically as each new breeze gently lifted small branches in an effortless rustling expulsion of night air.

     "The park," Jay said, glancing at the others. "Let's walk over to the park."

     "Why the hell not?" Nick laughed as Jay led the way. He slowed his pace as Holly slipped a hand into one of his back pockets. It was a beautiful night.

     As they reached a clearing near the centre of the park, Nick removed a plastic bag containing several joints. "Might as well smoke some grass now," he said matter-of-factly.

     Sitting cross-legged on the grass, the four began passing a lit joint between them. Several tokes into that joint, Jay lit another and the interval between tokes was cut in half.

     A feeling of dream-like calm swept over Jay as he held the smoke deep in his lungs for as long as he was able.

     Holly had again turned down the first few times the joint was offered to her. But now she too was drawing the pungent smoke deep into her lungs

     Jay looked up, his face tired and drawn. "Man, am I stoned," he said with effort.

     Kathy leaned against Nick and began French-kissing him. As Nick responded, she pressed herself against him and the two began furtively petting each other.

     Jay and Holly laid back on the grass, finishing the last joint off. Jay super-toked Holly by toking deeply on the joint, then carefully placing the lit end in his mouth and blowing a thick stream of smoke into her open mouth.

     Holly moved her head away, signifying she'd had enough, then kissed Jay, lightly at first, then more passionately.

     The cool dampness of the park lawn seeped into Jay's shirt as he held her on top of him, kissing her neck and breasts. Holly stopped him from going any further.

     Holly rested her head on Jay's chest, pressing her body close to his.

     Jay gently ran a hand through her silky blond hair as Holly looked in his eyes.

     "We can, Jay," she promised quietly, "but not right now and not here."

     Jay kissed her again, savouring her warm woman smell in the damp night air.

     The sound of nearby scuffling on the grass cast their attention to Nick and Kathy.

     "It's too wet here," Kathy objected as Nick quickly shifted to a sitting position. "Shit," he said hotly under his breath.

     Jay caught Holly's glance at him and both smiled.

     "Let's walk around a bit," Jay said, stretching slowly to his feet and briskly brushing off his jeans. The four again toked some more joints, none willing to accept that the evening was nearing an end.

     "I'm so fucking stoned I can hardly stand it," Jay drawled lazily. "We should do this all the time, man, a constant stone."

     "Cool," Nick said, producing another joint, "I can live with that - no worries, no school, no..."

     Kathy interrupted. "School! Oh shit! we're late for school!"

     "Are you gone?" Nick shouted over the others' hysterical laughter. "I think we've got a few hours before we have to be back at school," he laughed.

     Jay felt tired yet exuberant as the night world shifted imperceptibly into a dreamlike state free of responsibilities and obligations.

     Nick playfully chased Kathy around the park's many tall trees as Jay and Holly strolled through a clearing, arms around each other.

     "This is perfect," Jay said happily.

     As they reached the trees again, Nick came running towards them with a lit joint in his hand. "It's party time," he laughed.

     Kathy pinched Nick's rear as he toked deeply on the joint. "Save some for the rest of us," she cheerfully scolded.

     The four smoked the last of the joints. Then Nick collected the tiny remnants - the roaches - that had become too small - and hot - to hold. Assembling more than a dozen of the roaches into a cluster, Nick wrapped them in rolling paper. He moistened the crumpled ball with his mouth, then carefully pinched the paper mass with a roach clip.

     "Alright," Nick said happily, "let's have a light for my roach ball here."

     Jay obliged, holding a lit match under the ball until it was engulfed in flame. He then blew it out and toked deeply on the thick smoke billowing out from the roach ball.

     The raw smoke seemed to cut its way into his lungs but he managed to hold it in.

     Holly, then Kathy, then Nick cupped their hands to trap the smoke and create a funnel for drawing as much smoke as possible. The smouldering roach ball seemed to last forever. Then, it suddenly became nothing more than crumbling ash.

     Jay watched the ashes fall in flakes from the clip. He was far too tired to move his hand enough to put the clip away. Nick smiled and took the clip, tucking it in a shirt pocket.

     Holly's head rested against Jay's chest. She was staring off into space. Kathy's eyes were similarly unfocused.

     Jay felt deliciously tired yet pulsing with an electric nervous energy. He opened and closed his hand in gradual movements that fascinated him. The stone was captivating.

     Nick sighed. "I can hardly move."

     Jay nodded lazily and flopped onto his back. Holly nestled up to his chest. The ominous shapes of dark overhead clouds floated apart to reveal black skies, countless stars which shifted in and out of focus. The quiet filled his senses as Jay stared at the sky.

     Nick slowly brought himself to his feet. "I guess we should start heading back."

     "Yea, sure, man," Jay agreed, pulling Holly to her feet.

     The four walked freely down the empty streets. Kathy was the first to leave for her nearby home. Nick kissed her, promising to see her the next night.

     Holly's home was several blocks away but the three were in no hurry to end the night.

     Finally, they approached Holly's blue frame house. Jay kissed her deeply, then again, before bidding her goodnight.

     As Jay and Nick continued trudging toward their homes, Jay looked over at his friend. "Man," he said in astonishment, "I'm still pretty stoned."

     "Same here," Nick said, nodding repeatedly until both broke out laughing.

     "I don't ever want to come down," Jay heard himself say. "I want to live in this place forever. This time - and all our stoned times will exist forever in time."

     "Okay," Nick laughed.

     "We've just slipped into another.. dimension," Jay continued, "another frame of mind, a different plane in the same place, and we can keep going back, again and again."

     "Can we live there?"

     "I think so - but it will take a lot more drugs than what we had tonight."

     "We've just done a lot of pot tonight," Nick reminded him. "What else can we..."

     "Chemicals," Jay said quietly, "maybe acid, THC, angel dust mescaline..."

     "Shit, I don't know if I want to get into all that stuff, Jay."

     "We'll go slowly, Nick carefully, a bit at a time. I just want to go to places... in my head… that I haven't seen before."

     Nick let out a low whistle. "Listen to what you're saying Jay - are you sure you're coming down?"

     "Yeah," Jay laughed "that's the point."

     "But nothing would really change - everything in the world would still be the same."

     "I'm not so sure it would. We see things in a certain way because we're normally straight. But what if we were stoned all the time? Who can say for sure that what we see and think and feel when we're straight reflects the way things really are? Dogs can hear sounds we can't, animals can sense danger, can smell things that we can't smell...maybe we need something to… heighten our senses, let us see the things around us that we don't even know are there."

     "I don't know Jay, it all sounds far out."

     "Not when you think about it. A lot of the greatest writers in history used drugs - pot, opium - to help them understand things beyond the grasp of most people. I felt like I've been missing something for a long time now. Tonight, I don't know, maybe I finally found it."

     Nick raised an eyebrow. "I'm starting to feel guilty for not doing chemicals."

     Jay laughed. "Let's experiment a little - see where it takes us."

     The two friends fell silent as they began walking toward their working-class town homes, just beyond the next street light.