INTRODUCTION

1. WHY WE DECIDED TO WRITE THIS BOOK
“Last Sunday night we went to the restaurant he chose. Give one of the other kids a chance to pick one this time instead of letting him always decide or threatening not to go if he doesn’t get his way. He is self-centered, and you spoil him, always favor him, and give in to what he wants, even though it’s not fair to everyone else.” – George
“You are always picking on him for some reason. It’s not such a big deal, and the other kids don’t seem to mind, so let’s just go, and get it done with.” – Donna
When we first got together Donna and I had each been married before, and both of us had kids. She had a 13 year old daughter, Susan, and a 9-year-old son, Barry, and I had a 13 year old son, Frank, who lived out of state with his mother, but came for the usual visitation. Every Sunday we would go out for dinner, and ask the children where they wanted to go. Two of them always wanted to go to one place, and the third somewhere else. Very quickly the conversation degenerated into an argument about how that child was either favored by our new spouse, or had the bad qualities of their ex. We were not married long when we had two more children, both boys who are just less than a year apart. Soon, the three big kids were off in college, and every Sunday night we still would go out to dinner, and ask those two children where they wanted to go. They also couldn’t agree, and the conversation again degenerated into why one wouldn’t go along, or how one parent favored one or the other and why. One day it hit us that we were dealing with the same issue as before, the importance of each child’s need to feel “special” and listened to, not where we ate. That started us thinking about all the other issues that we had been through in raising five children in a blended family, and ultimately led to this book.
Trying to explain our family to outsiders with all the “step” “half” and “real” labels is just plain awkward and perplexing, but we are not alone. The reality of the 21st century family involves divorce and second, third and even fourth marriages, with the kids often being the only remaining link to those previous relationships. The children often are the parent’s memento to their own chaotic past, and step-parents can be the child’s painful reminder of the parent they no longer live with.
Parents and children must overcome many difficult and destructive emotions in order to move forward in life, and enjoy success. As parents, we are the initiators of what is first a gathering of people from different families to facilitate them developing into a single, cohesive family unit.
While we were dealing with the intricacies of building a ‘blended or joined family” Donna and I lacked a guide, or even good advice. We tried talking to friends in similar situations, but most of them looked and sounded like the “walking wounded”. They were people who had achieved economic success and solid reputations in the community, but admitted that they had struggled to build a blended family, were often depressed about what had happened, or disliked talking about children from their first marriage. We heard stories of kids turning to drugs, dropping out of college, or those who were still lost in their 20’s and 30’s as a result of their parent’s divorce. Sadly, a few parents had even given up, or “written” off the children from their earlier marriages. Too many times, we heard “no matter what you do the kids will never be happy.” The few success stories we found came without explanation, or the rare response, “I don’t know why we’ve been so fortunate, we were just lucky.”
The closest thing we received to insight if not advice came from a friend who had children from a first marriage in his twenties, and again with a second one in his forties who said, “Having at least two sets of children is like eating bran: it may not keep you young and you may not live longer, but it sure feels that way.”
Even the books we looked at were not particularly helpful. They seemed very simplistic, much too clinical, or with such a religious cast that they were a turn off to both of us. Twenty-two years later I found that people in my clinical practice, and now our kids’ friends, were making the same mistakes and were just as lost as we had been. With that in mind we decided to write this book. It is an attempt to detail some of our own experiences including our mistakes, and what we learned from it all. Our hope is that our chronicle will help others who are in the process of building a blended family.
If you take away one big idea from this book, it is that the most important part parents can play in a blended family is to sustain a healthy relationship with their own biological children, and to integrate them into their new family. Divorce marks the demise of the first family, and is really like a death for everyone. To lose a child through actual death is a terrible experience, but to lose a child through non-inclusion in the second family can be worse than a death, because it may remain an on-going issue, no matter when it occurs or what the child’s age is.
All of us know couples who have started new families after a divorce. Many of these people have found happiness with their new partner, and their new life. However ideal their new marriage seems from the outside, if their biological children are not integrated into their new family, there is a broken quality to the parent’s inner life. These parents may say “I did the best I could," “I have new children now that make up for it,” or “we’re so happy together, just us.” Despite those comments, they still feel guilt, depression and a sense of loss about how their children from the first marriage have not become happy, successful or capable of developing relationships of their own.
We believe that divorce causes feelings of abandonment for everyone involved, but the desire to be listened to, included, loved, and feel “special,” motivates all of us despite our unique personalities. As a divorce attorney once said “You are only as happy as your unhappiest child.”

2. WHO ARE WE, AND WHY YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO US:
Donna has a Master’s Degree in Education, taught elementary school for a number of years, and has raised five children (four by birth). Not only has she had a lot of experience with children and young adults, but she has long dealt with people and their subtleties as a business owner and a realtor.
I am a Board Certified Psychiatrist and who specializes in drug and behavioral addiction. I have treated people and their families for more than 30 years, in the U.S. Navy, at several major university medical centers, and in private practice. I have been around long enough to treat some couples before they had children, and I now treat their children. Through my experience, I have been struck by the relationship between divorce, self esteem issues, depression, substance abuse, and other social problems. My insights into the debilitating consequences of divorce on families and children have been well documented by other mental health professionals.
Many of our friends, their children, and our own children’s friends who have been divorced or experienced family problems talk to me because I am a psychiatrist. I have seen numerous patients, who turned to drugs, disregarded school work, and stopped speaking to their parents as a result of a divorce, the introduction of a new spouse, or new children into the family. Too often the parents in these situations feel they have to choose between putting the new spouse or their own biological child first. Parents often believe the challenges of creating a blended family are insurmountable. We are convinced that in most instances, the challenges can be overcome.
Being a Psychiatrist may at times have helped me understand some of our own conflicts and create a supportive family environment, but training in Psychiatry is not a prerequisite to success, and our children will tell you that my “over-analysis” causes as many conflicts as it solves.
“Come on George, get real.” or, “Dad, you don’t understand anything about me, you are the worst psychiatrist in the world.” - All five kids and Donna

I give a tremendous credit for our family’s success to Donna, who is the glue that holds us all together. I think because we have lived it, and because of or despite my special training, we have been able to go back and reconstruct what happened. This book provides a unique perspective for people embarking on the same journey we are on. Our insights, opinions, and reflections are included as are some of our children’s, as well as the anecdotal experiences of my patients. I have concealed my patient’s identities to protect their privacy, and changed our kid’s names, although anyone who knows us will know which one is which, and will have heard some of their important insights.
We are the first to tell you that we don’t know it all, don’t have a secret formula, and have made more than our share of mistakes. In fact while nurturing a blended family during the last two decades we’ve made lots of mistakes, hopefully learned from them, and then made more, if not the same ones again. We have tried to make the best of these experiences. We believe our difficulties and heartaches, as well as our positive moments can help others like you avoid some of the pitfalls we encountered.

3. WHAT IS SUCCESS?
Success is a relative measure, particularly in a blended family. Donna and I view success by the relationships among family members as well as how the children themselves are doing independent of us. We all look forward to family get-togethers, and have them more frequently than many others with grown children. Our family is a close knit group and even when we are not together, we help to line the pockets of telecomm executives with our outrageous telephone bills each month.
Our children are happy and flourishing in their respective endeavors. Isaac is a college sophomore, having been an honor-roll student and a high school athlete. Andrew, a college junior, has also been an honor-roll student, has mastered several languages, and is working out career plans. Barry married his college sweetheart, has an MBA, two children, and is an investment banker for a prestigious financial institution. Frank having retired as an Equity Investor, received a Master’s in the Great Books, and is writing a novel of his own and starting a business. Susan earned an MBA, is a top marketing executive for a travel industry stalwart, and has two children. Each of our children has strong relationships with us, and with one another. More importantly, they have found their own place in the world. They even choose to spend time with us, which we appreciate knowing that they clearly have the resources and the ability to pursue other options.
This book is not meant to be a step-by-step guide or instruction book. We intend this to relay our experiences in the hope of helping you avoid some of our errors and to emulate in your own way some of the good fortune we have had. Hopefully this book will help you create a blended family in which every person, step-parent, child, and step-child feels appreciated and loved. Our efforts demonstrate that joining families is truly worth working at, but that it takes work on everyone’s part, and that the effort is ongoing. Every divorce and every family is different, but we hope that our philosophy of raising children in a blended family and the practical survival lessons we and our children have learned will help you and your family become stronger and thrive.
“Donna and I had already planned to get married, and we took the 2 boys, 14 year old Frank, and 10 year old Barry, to Mexico for a long weekend. As we were getting ready to leave the hotel, we got into an argument that deteriorated into my saying that Barry was ruining my kids good time, and she saying that although my son didn’t live with us all the time, I was pampering him, which wasn’t fair to her son. We both got so angry that we sat in different parts of the airplane with our respective children, furious and not talking. Fortunately, we had limited money, and just one car at the airport, or we still probably would not be talking to each.” - George
“I don’t think it had anything to do with the kids. You were the bad guy and kept trying to push it and treat the children differently. He was just a kid, and they got along great then, and they still do. It was your treating them differently that got me upset.” - Donna